A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees
a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he
stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a
very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse:
those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary
tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things.
Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing
worked.
She yelled at the bird and
the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more
rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the
freezer to get a minute of peace.
For
a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and
screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was
frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's
extended arm and said:
"I'm very
sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask
your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure
it will never happen again."
Mary was
astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask
what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the
chicken did?"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time
in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being
really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up
to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and
sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned
if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was
missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next
door shot himself."
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep
they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the
children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This
one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this
one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but
continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named
Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All
right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just
yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an'
they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running
into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the
smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The
social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I
calls them by their last names."
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.
He
decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative
reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants
from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile
of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two
days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for
Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up.
When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn
tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up
against the damn garage.”
On
Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He
walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks
inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
okay... i was bored... as usual
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